Motherhood (A peek into my future)
/It’s been almost 5 years since my last pregnancy. So perhaps that season of my life has passed. I don’t know. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and it wasn’t shocking... but I know now what it is like to look into a future without my own new babies to hold. And I am starting to feel, for the first time, the soft desire that a woman might feel for grandchildren.
It’s not a strong feeling. Just something I recognize lingering on the edge of my life. A little peek at my future. How funny to think that because I married so young, I could technically have a child younger than one of my grandchildren! And that thought, my friends, makes me laugh...
... and also makes me feel very tired.
Motherhood is explosive. It has blown me to bits along with all of my ideas of perfection. A constant descent into humiliation and a steady rising into a true and magnificent calling...
A contradiction. A startling adventure. A consoling monotony. A painful stretching.
Lead me, Lord, to my truest self. Where I look down at my hands and see Yours. And agree to have my heart expanded beyond the limits of human reason.
I can do this if You make me not afraid. And then someday, I will rest...
But not yet. Please make me tireless...
I would like to take a break. Take a breath. Close my eyes. But I have a few more miles to go. And a few more transitions to make. Blessed be God forever. ❤️